World Watches as Gnome kidnapping enters 4th day

TatmanClan News Service


CANBY, OR - The plight of a kidnapped Canby native started as a local story, but has quickly ballooned into an international intrigue as possible links to terrorism have been explored and world leaders have condemned the abduction.

Global Reaction

Statements calling for Mr. Gnome’s release poured in from all corners of the world Wednesday, including a letter from Russian president Vladimir Putin, a statement from Queen Elizabeth II, two televised and barely understandable rants from Australian Prime Minister John Howard and a joint statement released on behalf of NATO member countries.

Even North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il expressed dismay at the kidnapping, citing what he called a “vast, global conspiracy to shut out and humiliate the short and odd looking.”

At a recent Democratic presidential debate, all the candidates on hand strongly condemned the kidnapping as well as the use of abduction as a terrorist tool, although Delaware Sen. Joe Biden’s comments riled both the audience and the gnome community.

“I’ve always liked those little people, Biden said, “I planted three in my yard in Washington and painted their hats purple.”

In a rebuttal statement, American Gnomes for Equality spokesgnome Lunerfchik (who, like many gnomes, uses only one name) said, “Despite our best efforts, it seems impossible to make Sen. Biden understand that gnomes are not ‘people,’ but a species in our own right. Also, if the Senator has indeed ‘planted’ three gnomes in his yard, he may have his own abduction charges to worry about.”

For his part, President Bush lauded the efforts of Canby Police Chief Greg Kroeplin, who has been under fire locally both for his original reluctance to devote police resources to the case, and then for the CPD’s accidental shooting of two other lawn gnomes Monday night.

Although original police reports stated that the two gnomes were “looking shifty,” independent analysis found that both gnomes were inanimate, and that, “barring seismic activity or strong winds, the pair were very unlikely to ‘shift’ in any manner whatsoever.”

In a hastily organized rose garden ceremony, Bush presented Kroeplin with the Medal of Freedom and extended the Chief’s contract 25 years. On being told he had the authority to do neither, the president said, “You’re doing a heckuva job there, Kroppy,” and walked briskly back to the oval office.


Terror Link Investigated

What was first thought to be a standard abduction case designed to collect a ransom has now raised the specter of international terrorism on American soil. Two terrorist organizations, the well-known Sauer Liberation Front and previously unknown Al-Qaeda in Canby have each claimed responsibility for the abduction, although experts suggest the two names may simply be aliases for the same organization.

For their part, international Al-Qaeda has denied any involvement in the abduction and one major Al-Qaeda figure, speaking only with a guarantee of anonymity, says any suggestion Al-Qaeda is involved represents an insult to his organization.

“It is a gnome. I mean, a gnome! Sheik bin Laden hasn’t been in hiding in caves for six years because of his actions against gnomes,” he said, adding, “Also, none of us have ever heard of this ‘Canby’ you speak of. Gnomes are creepy though. Oh, and death to America.”

Islamic scholars also discount any involvement by Islamist terror organizations as the requested ransom, a (good) bottle of wine, suggests wine consumption by the abductors. The drinking of wine is expressly forbidden in the Koran.